The room was dark. My beloved dog Wiley laid at my feet. I fed my sweet four-month-old son.
And I cried. Okay, I bawled my eyes out.
Emotion catches up with me in moments like these, but I honestly never see it coming. I think it’s because no one really prepares you for what happens after you have a baby. Worse than that, no one really prepares you for after you have a second baby.
Because you love them both. You want to be the best you can be for them both. But sometimes that isn’t always possible. Like this week, when I broke down more than I came together to parent my beloved boys. They are 16 months apart and I would be a very (VERY) rich person if I’d listened to all the people who told me I’d have my hands full.
They. Were. Right.
My struggle isn’t with that. It’s with the logistics. When both boys are having a rough day, there’s almost nothing I can do. One hates being in the car and one loves it. One wants to be held, they both want to be held. It’s just the way the (not-so-normal) cookie crumbles.
My struggle is with my heart. I love them both. And they both need me. 100 percent of the time, they both need me.
What an amazing gift.
Yet, at the same time, I kind of resent them both for keeping me from properly tending to the other.
It’s like the little one knows I’m having fun with my older one and starts screaming. Every. Single. Time.
My mom said it once (or about a million times). This. This right here is the best and worst of times. They somehow manage to live in perfect harmony. Such is life.
So today I stand proud. Today, as the room was dark and my dear dog Wiley laid at my feet, I looked up to heaven and I said thank you.
Thank you for the toddler tantrums and the hugs that follow. Thank you for the moment when both of my boys stop crying about heaven knows what at the exact same time. Thank you for moments. They happen throughout each and every day. The moments that make the struggle worth it.
Like today, when my 20-month-old son kept hugging me for no apparent reason. Or when my four-month-old son kept smiling at the mere sight of me. These are the moments to remember. These are the best of the worst of times.